There are two powerful types of influence for a parent. One is external and the other is internal.
Some parents are influenced by what others say are the best workshops, child-rearing books, Mommy and Me classes, pop-culture parenting fads. These are external influences. They feel good about their parenting if they are doing all the things their friends are doing and are culturally popular in the moment. They tend to raise children who are externally influenced too. If their friend tells them they have to read Dr. So-in-so’s parenting book because it’s the best, that is all an externally influenced parent needs to hear to be convinced to read it and that it is.
Parents who are internally influenced are much harder to convince of anything. They feel they just know what works, the proof comes from inside. They have an internal frame of reference and tend to contemplate and measure more carefully the popular fads. They will do the research on which is the best Mommy and Me class to attend, rather than just sign up for the one their friends attend. They won’t subscribe to the philosophies of the latest baby book trending on the Best Seller list, unless they really feel and experience themselves that it works. They trust in their past experiences or access things with more objectivity. They cannot be easily convinced of something, just because others are. One must speak to the heart and intent of such a parent. When an internally influenced parent feels there is merit they can relate to, then they convince themselves. That self confidence is and remains very steady, consistent and powerful. They in turn tend to have an easier time speaking to the heart of their children, press them to raise their own standards, be better thinkers, and stronger leaders.
What kind of frame of reference do the most effective parents tend to have – internal or external? An extremely effective parent has to have a strong internal influence. A parent wouldn’t be very consistent and much of a leader for their child if they relied much of the time asking other people what they thought of something before taking action.
It’s also important to note that being too internally influenced can put any person out of balance.
Remember, few people operate strictly at one extreme. A truly effective parent/leader has to be able to take in information effectively from the outside as well. When he or she doesn’t, parenting and leadership becomes megalomania (God complex or an extreme form of narcissism).
My desire is to bring awareness to the different ways parents, your spouse, and your parent friends are wired and influenced. This information can broaden grace, understanding, and communication so that compromises and consistency can be obtained when discussing parenting values.
I would like to know your thoughts and experiences with internally and externally influenced parents. And do you feel misunderstandings between the two contribute to the judgmental parenting environment out there today?