It seems, that with the best of intentions, we parents sometimes focus too much on the outward compliance of our children and how they are viewed by others. The frightening result is that the heart of our child is completely missed as we aim to make our children our trophies, viewing them as a direct reflection of who we are. What we end up doing is losing the critical ability to influence them as we strive to gain outward conformity from them. The ability to raise kids who feel truly loved and accepted, regardless of their shortcomings, lack of maturity or shallow values, is therefore lost, because without knowing and capturing the heart of a child, you have no influence. It is no wonder so many good families with good values are not able to pass their values down to their children and find them rebelling and looking elsewhere for any kind of ‘acceptance’ as soon as they are old enough or bold enough to assert their own will.
This list of sobering questions is for parents with children 18 months to 18 years.
1. Do I make my child feel completely and unconditionally accepted and valued, in spite of his immaturity, and/or shallow values?
2. Do I find myself critical or embarrassed by my child’s awkwardness, physical appearance, or lack of social cues?
3. Am I embarrassed by my child’s lack of focus, poor performance in school, lack of popularity, or limited athleticism in sports?
4. Do I feel pressure, as a successful professional, childcare or parenting expert, social worker, teacher, clergyman, therapist, youth parole counselor, law enforcement agent, to have a child that is well thought of by others?
5. Do I see my child as a direct reflection of who I am? My talents, abilities, skills?
6. Does my child feel I am a safe place for them to bring their failures?
7. Do we invite our children’s thoughts, feelings, motives, insecurities, and grieve with them over life’s tough lessons?
8. When we discipline them, do we do so in reaction to how their defiant actions made us feel (frustration, anger, embarrassment)? Or do we discipline our children as a form of necessary instruction, so to train them, with our motive being love?
9. Do you act or treat your child differently in public than you do at home?
10. Does your child feel trusted with responsibilities? And do you make your child feel like a valuable and trusted contributor to the family?
These are tough questions that a wonderful older woman and mom-mentor posed to me over 15 years ago, when my children were very young. This is the one ‘parenting list’ that sobers me up and convicts me to examine my own heart, so that I may connect to and continually influence the hearts of my own precious children, even as teens and young adults.
I don’t do it all perfectly, believe me. As a parent coach and baby and child expert, I find myself feeling the pressure to focus on the outward conformity of my own children on many occasions.
Pondering these powerful questions from time to time, not only helps me to accept my children for who they are, but it also makes me stop and think before I judge others for their parenting choices. After all, my kids are watching. If my kids see or hear me passing judgment on other parents, then they won’t likely feel completely safe and accepted with me either.
Accept and value your child for who they are. Don’t worry, it is not in any way accepting or condoning their poor behavior or choices. This kind of love is the unconditional love we all seek and long for. This kind of love really is the only thing that truly changes a person. Do you have a person in your life who knows all the rotten crap you’ve done and has seen you at your absolute worst and STILL loves and accepts you? This is what I’m talking about… Your children want and need a person in their lives like this. Wouldn’t it be awesome if that person were you?