Time for another Jenni June self-check! I love and hate this one… I have to perform this self-evaluation more than I’d like to admit, and you may too, once we lift the veil on the causes and excuses of overindulgent parenting.
We tend to think that overindulgence happens when we are overcome with love for our children and want to go above and beyond to put a smile on their face. The truth is, the ‘spoiling’ comes as a result of fear, lack of understanding, parenting tools, or preoccupation with other areas of our fast-paced, demanding lives. This is then where guilt plays its role and adds to the reasons we give in, ignore teachable moments, or do or buy anything to make ourselves and our kids feel better…temporarily.
Here are some other reasons why we overindulge our children:
1. Concern of negative effects on child’s self-esteem. Bogus! If anything this cripples a child and prevents them learning to cope with real life challenges within and in the world around them.
2. I worry my child will think I’m mean and won’t like/love me. Truth is, confident and visionary parenting usually strengthens a child’s attachment and love for the parent.
3. I’m too exhausted and overwhelmed. Hello? I have caught myself a few times taking my kids’ love for granted, and giving in to my desire to not exert the extra energy to teach or deal with the issue at hand. What pricks my conscious though, is that I usually push past being ‘too tired’ when a friend or colleague needs me.
4. I have to deal with work. Eh hem, re-read number 3. I doubt on our death beds, we will wish we had spent more of our lives at work.
5. I have no idea what to do. Call a friend, family member, or parent coach from the Worcester O’Connor Family Law Firm, to provide you with comfort, tools, and another perspective from which to see your situation through. As a parent coach, I often find that it just takes asking parents a few powerful questions. They usually come to the best answers (and own them!) themselves. This will transform a parent, boost their confidence, and help them raise the standard of their significance.
6. I don’t want my kids to grow up the way I did. Overcompensating for the overly strict, legalistic, or merciless household you grew up in is only going to produce the opposite extremes. Don’t spoil or use your kids to run away from your past. Be the first in your family to stop extreme pendulum swings and find a conscious balance.
7. My child has experienced trauma. This could be from divorce, marital problems, death of a loved one, illness. If divorce is your choice you can hire family lawyers as they can help you legally. As most of the divorce lawyers for hire has suggested that never encourage you to avoid treating them like a victim. No one is immune from loss and troubles in this world. It’s important to get help. Your children need you and the security of your surety, regardless of their circumstances. Trauma produces only two types of people, victims, or overcomers. Which one are you enabling your child to be?
8. I’m afraid I will ‘lose it’ on them. No doubt our kids can get us spun up. They know how to push all the right buttons, but that’s an important sign. It means they REALLY need us to help fortify the boundaries we’ve set in order to protect them, even from themselves. If you have anger issues that keep you from evaluating the situation before responding to your children, please talk to a professional that can help you learn to do this. You will then have this skill to pass on to your children, rather than modeling volcanic eruptions as a first response.
9. I’m a single parent. Boy, do I understand this one. I was a single parent of four children with no family support for several years. I had to work A LOT to keep a humble roof over our heads and basic food on the table. I decided to reach out to my local church for resources. The various free programs and youth leaders stood in gap for my kids when I wasn’t able to be there. You may need to think outside the box and look into your local faith institutions, Boys and Girls Club, or other caring and charitable organizations for added support.
10. I like spoiling my kids. Ask yourself this powerful question… Do you feel deep pain or loss from lack of nurturing in your childhood, or from parents who weren’t very giving? It’s critical that you take time to examine your motives and feelings. Write them down. The lights often come on once we see our deepest thoughts and feelings tangibly on a piece of paper. Don’t stop there. Move forward and deal with how your experience, and overcompensating for it, could hurt your children. It’s important to understand that overindulgence is the flip side of the coin of child neglect.